​The nights are without sleep
The scenes playing
Like a film loop
Set on repeat.
 
What I said
​What you said
Playing out continuously
All with different endings.
Consumed with
Being right
Seeing things my way.
 
Tears carry the pain
Anger
Carrying righteousness
Never realizing
Time lost
Serenity trying to land
On the angry sea
Of resentment
Losing myself
Madness consumes me
Resentment breeding revenge
An eye for an eye
Hurt for hurt
Over and over
I won
Or did I?
 

All the times I worked sick,
Because I had to.
Firing people
Because I was told to.
Crying with those who
Were “removed of their duties”.
Trying to please everyone
At the sacrifice of myself.
When times were good
They were great.
The bad times
Outweighing the good.
Telling myself
I shouldn’t complain.
The coin they paid
Was unparalleled.
And then in a moment
It all changed.
Again and again
It changes.
People you don’t know
Making decisions on your behalf.
I know it’s not personal
But it is to me.
We pour our heart and soul
Into our day jobs
Taking it out on those we love most.
We lose ourselves
In the quest to balance
What’s asked of us
With what is right.
Through that pressure
Diamonds of relationships are built.
Relationships that outlast
The business.
It all becomes so insignificant
Once separated from the darkness
And all I can see is light.
The bitterness has fallen away.
The past is significant
Only in its path to the now.
I have found trust.
I have no leader
But myself.
And the compensation
Is priceless. 

​Have you watched a leaf as it journeys to the ground?
It does not fall.
It floats and flutters.
Enjoying the journey downward.
It is not crying that it has lost hold of its branch
It lets go and it seems to enjoy the ride!
Back and forth, end over top, at times spiraling
Joyfully and slowly dropping
Some falling close to its roots
Some drifting far, far away
Their younger years are done
Nourishing and serving its maker
It welcomes the next stage
Moving from high up
To below
Welcoming the new perspective
The new role, its new purpose
Some will remain where they land,
Some will continue to journey by land and by sea.
Carried by the wind,
Excited for another ride.
The newcomers are easy to spot on the ground
Their yellow, red, orange brilliant
They enjoy standing out
Knowing, it too, is temporary.
Soon they will blend with the others
Forming a brown blanket on the earth
Ultimately becoming one
As the leaf journeys from branch to ground to earth
It travels with such grace and ease
Steadfast in the knowing that its shape and color may change
Yet its purpose is always clear
To nourish the earth and to serve its creator
While it’s here

“Present”…such an interesting word.
Present = gift
Present = the current moment
Present = being there (remember school? “Laura Weber”…”Present!!”)
I present you with, I present to you = an introduction or unveiling, usually accompanied by anticipation,
enthusiastic anticipation.
Like when you were a child getting a present.

(Just looked up and it’s 11:11, a gift)

All “present(s)” are gifts.
So why do I deprive myself?
I fill my days with busy-ness.
Instead of being an observer of my thoughts
I am entrenched with them, in them.
Busy doing what? If I’m honest, it’s nonsense.
Facebook, Candy Crush, Twitter, magazines, TV, yard work, housework.
Doing, doing, doing.
Busy looking for fulfillment, for answers
Never Being.

Yet, sometime between evening and dusk, there is empty space.
The birds have stopped chirping
 And the peepers have not yet begun their evening song.
Sitting there in the quiet, in the present
I find answers, I feel filled.
In the silence I find answers.
In the stillness I find clarity.

A peace.
A piece of peace at least,
Or perhaps, a piece of peace at last.

Shhhhh…listen….
Listen for the silence
Listen for the space between the noise

Shhhh…listen to the present present.

The seed of suffering, the tree of suffering. Big, strong, non-bending. Gnarly and ugly and yet the dank darkness it cast was a strange comfort to me. I watered that tree so much and then cursed it’s shadow…
              …until I didn’t.

The tree of resentment is old. I grew up with it. It and I have an understanding you see. Oh, I know hiding in the tree’s cold, damp shadow is uncomfortable, but my eyes have grown accustomed to the darkness. My body has grown accustomed to the tension. My mind was consumed with the story that I didn’t deserve “it.” All those things that happened to me. I leaned into that tree, counted on it to support that I was right and “they” were wrong. It was a horrible place to live, yet, somehow I felt comfortable there. It was what I knew. It came naturally…
                                                   …until it didn’t.

There, beside the tree is a tiny, teeny bit of green. Trying to push up through the dirt, through the dank, damp darkness. Once I noticed it was there, I couldn’t help but see it all the time…struggling to survive. I had nothing to give it. It was on it’s own as I had all I could handle with my own “stuff”. Yet, it continued to call me and finally I mustered up a droplet, an eyedropper dripping one drop at a time, or were those tears watering the little seed of hope? It would be easier to continue to water the tree of suffering. I have buckets of material to feed the tree of suffering…
                                                  …until I didn’t.

The process was slow as I could only muster the smallest particle of gratitude at a time. Sometimes I found only one drop for the seed of love yet gradually, I’m not sure where, but I found another one or two for the seed of forgiveness. I continued to acknowledge the tree of suffering. It always looms large and I cannot deny its existence. But as my attention shifts to the seeds of gratitude, the leaves are beginning to wilt and fall on that big strong tree. As the leaves fall, it is not so dank, damp and dark underneath. Specks of light are filtering through and are reflected back to me by the shiny new leaves on the saplings of love. I didn’t know I could find so much joy…
                    …until I did.

Spring is here, Spring is here!!!! What are you going to plant this year? Flowers? Shrubs? Vegetables? Blueberries? Resentment? Anger? Suffering? Happiness? Acceptance? Gratitude? Joy? 

We've all heard the saying "we reap what we sow". What if we thought of our souls as a garden? We have many seeds there. So many emotions all vying for our attention, all calling out, "Tend to me! Tend to me!". So how do we tend to these emotions without being defined by them? How do we accept them as what they are, as part of who we are, without it becoming everything we are? 

If you were to plant a garden, what is the first thing you would do? Probably decide what to plant and where to plant it. We think hard about our choices. Do we want tomatoes and, if so, how many plants and what varieties? How many may depend on the amount of space you have for your garden. What varieties are a matter of personal preference. You are making choices around what you deem an appropriate reward for your efforts. After all, if you want lots of tomatoes, you will need to spend more time prepping a larger space than for a few...and you have deemed it worth it! You choose what seeds you want to nurture and you prep to give them the most fertile ground in which to grow. 

We have now tilled our garden and planted our seeds. We have tomatoes and cucumbers. We have fertilized and watered them religiously. We look forward to our daily check-in to see the progress of our seeds and, before we can even see them sprouting, we have faith that they are there, below the surface, growing strong. We know this with certainty because we are tending to them, caring for them, giving them a healthy environment in which to grow. We become excited the first day we see the little green shoots pushing up through the dirt. We celebrate this small accomplishment. We bring our family and friends out and point to them, get down on our knees, "See, SEE it?!". This small, barely visible sign encourages us to continue with our nurturing. 

One day we visit our garden and...wait, "what is THAT?!" we think.  "I didn't plant that...where are all these weeds coming from??? I've done everything possible to promote a safe and nurturing environment for my garden and now I have weeds?" 

What would happen if we didn't see the weeds and continued to go through the motions of watering and feeding our garden? Before we know it, the weeds would have taken over and we wouldn't be able to even see these beautiful plants we cared for so lovingly. We get frustrated and walk away. We blame the weeds. We say we did everything right but those damn weeds came and took over. That familiar feeling comes over us: fear of failure... 

No, no, no! Let's re-write that ending! We are aware of everything going on in our garden so we see the weeds as soon as they pop up. We recognize our beautiful plants from the weeds and we know what will happen if we try and ignore the weeds. So we don't ignore the weeds. We tend to them and we know we have to tend to them thoroughly. If we simply grab them from the top and pull, trying to rush through it because it's not our favorite part of gardening, they will come back with a vengeance. That which we resist, persists! So we must tend to the weeds with the same attention to detail as we did with our vegetables. We have to recognize the weeds, acknowledge that they are weeds, and pull them tenderly yet firmly from the roots, being careful not to disturb our beautiful vegetable plants. We carry the weeds away and consciously discard of them outside of our garden. We let them go and we do not pick them back up. Having had their due attention and being removed from our garden, they wither and die. We probably will not give them much more thought once we have "processed" them because we have dealt with them and discarded them. Bye-bye!

We are now more experienced gardeners because of our weeds. We have now learned how to recognize the weeds and will catch them earlier from here on out. As our garden grows and vegetables blossom, there is less room for the weeds. Oh they still pop up from time to time, but now we know how to "nip them in the bud" and move on. Our early recognition and thorough processing of the weeds results in a stronger garden full of beautiful vegetables. 

Now our vegetables are growing strong and we know how to "handle" the weeds when they come (and we know that they will come!). Ah, but alas, we are humans and sometimes find it hard to be satisfied. We are impatient for our harvest. We have worked hard and we are ready to reap our reward. We want some tomatoes only to find that our cucumbers are ready. Do we yell at our tomatoes to hurry up? Do we eat the tomato before it is ripe and then blame the tomato for not tasting good? No, we nurture and wait with great anticipation while enjoying and appreciating the cucumbers we have grown. We are patient and we have faith because we have done the work, and continue to do the work to nurture our garden. 

What does this have to do with Our Soul Garden? Go back and replace "vegetable, tomato and cucumber" with "peace, love, joy, gratitude, happiness" and replace "weeds" with "anger, fear, suffering, sorrow, pain". 

We reap what we sow in our soul garden. What seeds are you nurturing?